2014 is going to need a big Royal Rumble winner. The winner of the match goes on for a title shot at Wrestlemania 30, which is going to be a major milestone for the company. So who is big enough to take on the challenge? Cena? Punk?
No. The company needs to use this opportunity to give a wrestler a major push. It needs to be someone unthinkable. As unthinkable as The Rock’s return to the bizz. But who? WHO?
Answer: Scotty 2 Hotty.
Who in their right mind would see this coming? He is 5 feet 8 inches tall, 200 pounds of pure energy.
But how could he pull it off?
Hotty is entry number 30, and enters the ring with about 15 other competitors remaining. He promptly eliminates Fandango, who is dumbfounded by WWE Creative’s decision to book Hotty in the match. From there, the other wrestlers begin to wisen up and realize Hotty might win just by using his sheer out-of-the-blue appearance to his advantage. Hotty becomes a target, but – being as fast as lightening – he dodges every other competitor. I assume so many people are shocked by his agility that they just fly out of the ring for some reason. Hotty kicks Ryback in the face, and he is lying in the centre of the ring.
We know what’s coming.
Hotty does the worm! As he dances, and then collapses on Ryback, the impact sends Ryback flying out of the ring somehow. Luckily, the other wrestlers have to stand and watch Hotty do the move. Because, you know, that’s just what you do.
The match resumes as normal, and eventually Hotty is in the final three. Daniel Bryan has just eliminated Chyna (to be later addressed in Storyline #6721) and he begins to lean on the rope and scratch his beard and think “man, she’s pretty gross. Or is she hot?” As Bryan ponders about his feelings towards Chyna, Hotty sneaks up behind him and flips him out of the ring! Ka-blamo! Winner!
Okay, so In Your House: No Way Out comes around (by the way, we’re bringing that back too) and we need a set-up to Wrestlemania 30. What could possibly knock Hotty off of his amazing Cloud 9?
Weeeelllllllllllllll Issssum Big Shoooooooooo
That’s right! The Big Show is none too pleased about the small-man winning the Rumble, so he challenges him at IYH:NWO for his Number 1 Contenders spot.
In a two-man elimination chamber-ladder match. This innovation of manslaughter will blow the audiences away. They’ll pay for their seat, but they’ll only need the edge..
In this match, the competitor must escape the cage (by any means necessary!) and then climb to the top of the cage exterior, and grab the brief case filled with $800,000 cash.
Both men have an advantage in this match. Hotty is quick, but Show can take him down so that he STAYS down. The match proceeds with both guys wasting each other with steel chair shots mostly (also, there are 30 chairs in each of the chambers). Eventually, Hotty and Show are at the top of the awkward curved roof of the chamber. Show is holding Hotty in position for a painful chest slap, but then Hotty knocks him down.
In the centre of the top of the cage.
We know what’s going to happen.
THE WORM! On top of the cage! At this point, JR is flipping is his ever loving shit! (Possible scripted text for JR – “Oh my GAWD! I’ve never seen anything so electrifying and dangerous as a dance on top of a cage! DAMNIT ALL TO HELL THESE MEN ARE ONLY HUMAN! PUT AN END TO THIS MASSACRE NOW!”
After the worm strikes his flabby body, Big Show rolls off the cage and plops on the ground. Leaving Hotty all alone with the victory. Match length: 2hrs and 13 min.
Now all that’s left for Hotty to do is WIN THE TITLE AT WRESTLEMANIA 30!
At this point, Brock Lesnar has crushed just about every skull in the locker room. After killing Vince MacMahon in a career vs life match at the Rumble, Lesnar stripped Ziggler of the WWE title. And then he told Ziggler that he looked like a beady-eyed walnut. Seriously guys, give Lesnar an acting class. He needs to work on his mic skills. Just saying.
So the match is set up. Hotty already made the match personal by cutting off Paul Heyman’s pony tail and wearing it to the ring on every episode of RAW.
A match this personal, needs a special guest referee.
“Aint no grave… can hold my… body down.”
For the first time in his illustrious career, The Undertaker will be a referee. That’ll but some asses in seats.
Wrestlemania 30 arrives, and the main event is in place. The Undertaker made his 27 minute entrance to the ring. Before the match began, Taker took the mic –
“These men are in my yard. No one plays in my yard except for me. If someone other than me is going to play in my yard, they are going to adhere by my strict rules and guidelines. Rules are important in my yard. Also, if other people are on my yard, I won’t be in my yard. Because it won’t be my yard if other people are in my yard. And you know why that is? Because I am the deadman.”
Undertaker stayed outside during the entire match standing perfectly still and not making any calls. Eventually, Hotty starts to get the upper hand. Lesnar is in the centre of the ring.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
Hotty begins to dance, and get the crowd worked up. But then – he goes to the top rope? That’s not the worm… that’s a… MOONSAULT! Hotty hits Lesnar with the moonsault! (JR – “Good GOD ALMIGHTY! WHAT A MOVE! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE HOTTY’S PSYCHOLOGICAL ATTACKS!”)
Hotty goes for the pin.
Taker enters the ring as Hotty has Lesnar covered.
Taker puts his boot on top of Hotty on top of Lesnar.
The deadman shouts “ONE! TWO! THREE!” and then declares himself the winner and goes home.