This is my theory for how Wrestlemania 30 will play out.
To compliment Wrestlemania 30, WWE is going to need some major press for their 2014 Hall of Fame ceremony. To get attention, controversial methods will be required.
Weeks leading up to the ceremony, a lot of buzz is established to promote the new, mysterious member of the 2014 class. The word is that the entry comes from a troubled past, is tough as nails, and is widely regarded as the best in-ring technician of our generation. The WWE Hall of Fame class of 2014 is proud to welcome …
Red Foreman has been a delightful character on FOX’s That 70’s Show, and won viewer’s affections by being a tough, but quick-witted father for a family living in 1970’s America. What better way to honour this man’s legacy than to induct him into the WWE’s Hall of Fame?
As Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train provides his entrance music, Red Foreman appears on Monday Night Raw to celebrate before an appreciative audience. He then goes on to provide an inspiration speech about how Vietnam was one hell of a war, and that that foreign kid Eric hangs out with makes him uneasy. About 75 minutes into his speech, some of the members of the WWE roaster decided that enough was enough.
CM Punk entered the arena, and captured Red Foreman’s attention. As Living Color’s Cult of Personality played while Punk glared a glarey glare, Red Foreman began to roll up the cuffs. Just then, from out of nowhere, Daniel Bryan attacked Red Foreman from behind, and began to beat him senseless with a banjo. Why? Because there’s nothing quite more painful than getting your ass-kicked by a banjo. CM Punk rang to the ring and joined in on the attack, until the local law-enforcement intervened. The police attempted to arrest the attackers, but the team of Punk and Bryan was just to strong. Realizing there was no matching these masters of the mat, the police decided to arrest Red Foreman instead so that he would be safe in prison.
The next week on Raw, Punk and Bryan came to the ring to explain their actions. Punk said that Red Foreman being inducted into the Hall of Fame was an insult to everything he stood for, because ‘Nam was a war that the US had no business being a part of. Bryan concurred, and added that foreign exchange students are an important part of education, because they allow students to have the opportunity to embrace other cultures, and broaden their horizons. Naturally, these remarks resulted in loud ‘boos’ from the WWE audience.
Just then, the lights black out. The audience is on the edge of their seats. The lights come back on, and the stadium enters a complete uproar when they see Eric Foreman and Michael Kelso standing in the ring across from Bryan and Punk. The sassy teenagers are armed with a shovel and hammer, respectively. As soon as Bryan and Punk spot their adversaries, Eric and Kelso attacked relentlessly. Once Bryan and Punk were out cold, Eric made an important announcement.
Seeing as the Royal Rumble ended in a 30-person tie leaving no clear winner, there was no match booked for Wrestlemania’s main event. Eric challenged Punk and Bryan to face him and Kelso in a “70s rules match” where the only holds and submissions allowed were moves that were popular in the 1970s. Without waiting for a response, Kelso declared the match official. The crowd went wild.
Since the audiences’ anticipation for this single match resulted in an assassination attempt against Vince McMahon, the WWE board agreed to move the date for the biggest show of the year to the following Sunday. In fact, they even removed all other matches originally booked for the card. Audiences would be treated to a three hour-bout featuring Punk, Bryan, and the teens from That 70’s Show. They paid for a seat, but they’ll only need the edge.
Wrestlemania came the following Sunday, and the two teams made their way to the ring. The match was about to begin, but then Bryan realized that there was no referee. In fact, there was no other WWE official in the entire stadium. Bryan then got the entire audience to chant “Where’s the referee?” over and over. Even Eric and Kelso joined in on the chant. That’s part of the magic of Wrestlemania – it can bring people together.
The chant went on for about six minutes until a familiar entrance music began to play over the loudspeakers. As Goldust made his way to the ring, the Wrestlemania audience soon realized they were in for a very special referee.
Goldust never once removed his fur coat as he stood at ringside watching the four men in the ring wail on each other repeatedly. Eventually, Punk needed to think of a 70’s style move in order to get the upper hand, so he left the ring to go back stage and look for his history book. Unable to find it, he leaves the arena to go to the all-night library. He soon finds a book called “70s kids, and how to beat ’em” and found a chapter called “Bull-Ropes.” Punk got an idea. He then catches a bus to go to Home Depot to get some supplies.
Meanwhile, Bryan is getting the beating of his life from Eric and Kelso. The two boys would go in for the pinfall over Bryan, but Goldust refused to budge. Eric and Kelso grew very frustrated, and continued to beat up Bryan in the ring. Just before Bryan was about to utter the words “fuck this, I quit,” Punk returned to the area, running down the ramp with a wheelbarrow full of rope. He then dragged it into the ring, and began swinging it at the two teens. Once knocked to the ground, Punk went for the pinfall. Goldust still refused to budge. As Bryan and Punk shouted at Goldust from the edge of the ring, Eric and Kelso got up, and began to beat Punk and Bryan. With their own rope. The ultimate humiliation.
It looked as though the match would be over when Eric and Kelso went for the double-pinfall. Goldust entered the ring, and it looked as though he was actually about to do end the match. And end the match he did. But not under normal circumstances. Sneaking up behind Eric and Kelso, Goldust grabbed the rope, and tied all four men together. He then grabbed a microphone and stated “I am not a referee. I never said I was. You all assumed I was. In reality, I am a man. A man with needs.”
After this statement, Jackie and Donna from That 70’s Show entered the ring, and enjoyed a thirty-minute sex-romp around the ring, as the tied-up men could only watch in horror. Bryan soon passed out because it was too much for him to handle. As the sexy dancing continued, Cody Rhodes and Leo the Hippy entered the ring holding a present. Goldust opened it, and revealed the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Wrapping the gold around his waist as the cast and crew of That 70s Show cheered in approval, Goldust took the mic once again and said “finally.”