Thong Song – Sisqo

We begin with a shot of Sisqo’s massive home in Miami that is entirely white and resembles an asylum of sorts. He is chatting on the phone with a woman who is presumably awaiting sex in the upcoming moments. Better hurry up, Sisqo! She’s waiting! But hold on a minute –

“Daddy, what’s THIS?”

OH NO! Sisqo! You’re daughter found your ho’s sexy underpants! Now you have to explain to her that you sleep with girls in sexy underpants! OH NO! Now you have to explain to her that you don’t sleep with Mommy anymore! OH NO! You have a child now! When did that happen!? Which of your countless love affairs would have produced an adorable but sin-bred offspring?! How did you win that custody hearing?! Was the mother mid-90s Courtney Love? Why would you WANT the child Sisqo?! You’re a raging party mongrel! Okay, let’s calm down. Maybe it’s just Sisqo’s weekend with the kid.

“Alright, Sisqo. I packed her yogurt, a change of clothes, and her Little Mermaid DVD. Please have her to bed by 9. Also, keep her out of your bed room that ended our seven year marriage. Also, how are you sleeping? Are the doctors helping?

Sisqo dresses like a cross between a cowboy and a power ranger. And singing about wanting to see a girl’s behind is not a great way to explain to your daughter what a thong is.

Hey – here’s a plot twist. Maybe Sisqo is in an asylum. Ever think of that? Maybe this is his nightmare. Maybe his wife checked him into the hospital after he was caught roaming the streets with a pair of lace panties on his head. Maybe that explains why he spells his name with a Q without a U. Because he’s insane and does not respect the English language. Or women.

Seriously, you’re not that great at life, Sisqo. Hope the doctor’s help.

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